Fierce Conversations

A recent conversation with a leadership coaching client I'll call "Bob" began with him expressing extreme frustration with a key manager reporting to him. Bob thought the manager wasn't owning his role in a certain critical issue. He believed the manager was pointing fingers, assigning blame and creating stressful and unproductive distractions within the senior team. Bob was considering firing the manager, but was reluctant to start over with someone new.

I asked Bob if he had discussed his frustration with the manager. He danced around the question and after a couple of different approaches on my part, he shared that perhaps he hadn’t been as clear and direct with the manager as he could have been. I observed that it sounded like he wanted to have a conversation with this manager. Bob agreed that he needed to talk with the manager but had been avoiding it because he knew it would be difficult and he thought the manager should be able to perform without his intervention.

The ensuing coaching conversation resulted in Bob approaching the manager and conducting a healthy dialogue and feedback session where the roles, expectations and needs of both parties were expressed and clarified. They were able to have this conversation with out tempers getting heated or a host of other potential pitfalls. Essentially, what I asked Bob to do was to have a fierce conversation with his manager.

At its essence, “doing business” is essentially an extended series of conversations, and I believe that success is dependent upon a person's ability to regularly engage in productive and meaningful dialogue. Susan Scott, author of "Fierce Conversations," captures this concept beautifully in her book. This one of the first books I recommend to my coaching client’s who are looking to have more productive conversations.

Over the next three issues of Coaching Link I will be offering key concepts from Ms. Scott’s book, blended with my own experience in coaching leaders. I hope these articles give you the tools and courage to have fierce conversations.

What Is a Fierce Conversation?

The word "fierce" is defined in the dictionary as “marked by extreme and violent energy.” Many people assume that a fierce conversation is one in which you confront someone head on with what they are doing wrong, that it often involves an accusatory or criticizing tone and that it will lead to negativity and bruised egos.

Rarely is anyone specifically taught how to handle conflict. We are socialized to play nice, not be rude and not to hurt other people’s feelings. On the other hand, we are encouraged to stand up for ourselves and not let anyone “push us around.” We also tend to unconsciously assume that when we have a difference of opinions, someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong. We get lots of messages about the ends of the spectrum but rarely are we taught how to play nice and stand up for ourselves at the same time! This is essentially the goal of a fierce conversation.

The word "fierce" also has the following synonyms: robust, strong, powerful, passionate. In order to be truly “fierce,” we need to be centered, clear about our position, what our purpose is and what needs to be done. To have a fierce conversation, we need to open ourselves to others' opinions, try not to let our egos take over, and focus our energy on coming to a new level of understanding about the problem. We are then able to come to an understanding of the reality of the situation, provoke learning in ourselves and others, tackle challenges that need to be addressed and ultimately, enrich relationships. A fierce conversation is not between adversaries trying to prove their position is the right one, but between colleagues looking at the issue together, striving for a higher level of understanding.

Ground Truth

In order to address a problem, you have to accurately name it first. Thus the first goal of a fierce conversation is to accurately describe what Susan Scott labels “ground truth.” Ground truth is what’s really happening in the trenches of day to day business life. Ground truth is often different than the official party line. Ground truth separates gossip and speculation from the reality of the situation.

Regardless of their official title, people who are adept at getting to ground truth are seen as leaders. They can accurately label the reality of a situation while cutting through hyperbole, gossip and speculation. Because they are able to separate fact from fiction, they make smart decisions. They tend to be less defensive and are able to be a calming influence in uncertain times.

You get to ground truth by interrogating reality. In the process of interrogating reality, you closely examine all assumptions to determine whether or not they are valid. In Bob’s case, he didn’t realize that he assumed the manager was trying to create tension in the team. Once he identified that he was making an assumption, he was able to brain storm some questions to ask the manager to test the validity of his assumption. He was also able to approach the conversation with a neutral, “let’s figure it out together” tone instead of a judgmental one. This change in perspective put the manager at ease and enabled them to have positive discussion.

To be able to effectively interrogate reality, we have to acknowledge that everyone has their own unique perspective and that each perspective is valid. If we tell ourselves or others, “they don’t know what they’re talking about because…” we are very likely to miss important information. There have been many times when someone who “doesn’t know what they’re talking about” offers insights that those of us on the inside couldn’t see. Make room at the table for all opinions and you will not only get new information, you will increase buy-in for the solution you identify.

Mineral Rights

A fierce conversation is more of an art than a science. It does not have a formula or set linear process. I can’t give you a list of questions to ask or an outcome to expect. During the course of the conversation you will be drawn to explore certain lines of questioning and not others. You will go deeper and spend more time on some areas than others. The art of having a fierce conversation comes in knowing which questions need to be asked and which ones can be left out of the conversation.

Susan Scott calls the method behind a fierce conversation "Mineral Rights". It became known as Mineral Rights after a workshop participant made the observation, “If you’re drilling for water, it’s better to drill a one hundred-foot well than one hundred one foot wells.” This observation sums up the primary criteria for deciding which questions to ask in a fierce conversation. If the question will help you drill deeper, ask it; if not, don’t ask it. Interrogating reality and Mineral Rights are not mutually exclusive, you cycle back and forth between the two, some topics you will drill down on, and others not.

Interrogating reality is designed to clarify while Mineral Rights is designed to take the conversation to a deeper level. The questions asked during a Mineral Rights conversation help interrogate reality in such a way that we are mobilized to take potent action on tough challenges.

In my coaching session with Bob, we created a list of questions for him to ask his manager. We specifically chose questions that would increase their chances of a higher level of understanding. Bob wanted to improve the likelihood that the manager would take more responsibility for his actions and decide to engage the team in a positive way. Here is a sampling of the questions we came up with:
* What would you like to be doing more of?
* What is your measure of success?
* What is most frustrating to you about your current role?
* What might you be doing that is getting in the way of your success?
* What is your understanding of what the organization expects of you?
* Do you feel you have the tools and resources to do your job?
* What questions do you have for me?
* How can I best support you?

Creating this list of questions shifted Bob’s perspective and opened up the possibility that there was more going on than he understood. This shift created more fertile ground upon which to have a fierce conversation. Since that initial conversation, Bob and his manager have continued their pattern of frequent and fierce dialogue. The result is that the manager is taking ownership of his role, is creating less tension within the senior team, and is more fully contributing to the success of the organization.

In our next issue, we will discuss specific actions you can take in a fierce conversation and how you can positively influence the outcome.

Are you listening?

As humans on this planet, we all have a basic need to feel understood. In order to feel understood, we need to feel heard. We need to know that the person we are talking to has put their own thoughts and agenda aside so they can give us their full attention. If this doesn’t happen, it doesn’t matter who’s right, who’s smarter or who has a better solution. Without truly listening, it’s virtually impossible to reach a positive outcome to a fierce conversation.

Who hasn’t had the experience of having a frustrating conversation? One where we felt like the other person wasn’t really listening. Where you could tell they were just waiting for their chance to speak. How productive are those conversations? Not very. When one party doesn’t feel heard the conversation breaks down and both parties leave frustrated.

In order to really listen, we must be fully present. What are you doing when engaged in conversation? When you’re on the phone are you also typing away at your keyboard? When having a conversation, it is not time to be multi-tasking. Check in with yourself. Are you thinking about what you’re going to say next? What you’re going to have for lunch? So often, our brain takes a break while in the middle of a conversation. And when we allow this to happen, we undermine our ability to connect through listening.

When we do not give the other party our 100% attention, we essentially tell them they are not important to us. We will also miss many subtle cues that tell us what’s going on beneath the surface. Ultimately we lose the chance to have a fierce conversation.

If listening is so important, why is it so hard?

Many people think they are good listeners, when more often that not, they’re just good talkers. Instead of tuning in fully to the person across from them, people spend their time sharing knowledge, offering tips or solutions and providing feedback. The result is that one of the two people in the conversation feels talked to rather than listened to.

One reason why listening is so difficult can be traced back to basic brain science. On average, our mind processes between 600 and 1000 words per minute. Yet, most people speak at the rate of about 125 words per minute. This leaves quite a gap in speaking speed versus processing speed. This gap is a temptation to tune out. We could call this mouth speed versus mind speed. So what happens in the act of listening, or trying to listen, is that the brain starts multi-tasking, and can go on a number of its own little detours before coming back to the person that is speaking. So that by the time the other person finishes their thoughts, we’ve taken a mini-vacation!

Tips for Listening

1. Listening does not equal agreeing. Active listening requires you put your agenda aside for as long it takes to be sure you understand the other person’s position. The more complex the issue, the longer it takes. When we listen instead of talking we can start to feel like we’re implying that we agree and are tempted to start defending our position. Resist the temptation! Just because you are listening to their words, emotions and body language, it doesn’t mean you are agreeing with their position.

2. Questions only. Questions are much more effective than answers in provoking learning. Many of us are eager to show what we know, to demonstrate our value. So as soon as someone says, “This is my issue,” we leap in with suggestions, stories about our experience, quotes from the latest journals without noticing that the other person’s eyes have glazed over. And you should only ask questions to which you do not know the answer. Otherwise it’s not a question, it’s a manipulation.

3. How do you listen when you know you’re going to be tested? You listen with more intention and focus than usual. Make it a point to repeat back to the other person what you hear them saying. It can feel odd at first but it serves two purposes. First, it challenges you to listen more carefully than usual. Secondly, it demonstrates your understanding of their point.

4. Check your assumptions about motive. When we assume that each party wants a positive outcome, we are better at listening. When we start to get frustrated with each other, it’s easy to ascribe a negative emotion to the other person. It can help to check in and remind yourself that each party is trying to create the best outcome. If you’re not confident that each party is striving for the best outcome, you have more important things to talk about!

5. Listen for the needs and values behind the words. What does your companion need that they might not be getting? Is it validation, support, or a safe place to vent? What do they value? Is it excellence, harmony, achievement or adventure? When you clue into needs and values, you ask better questions, identify un-named issues and ultimately dig deeper into what really matters.

6. The conversation hasn’t ended just because the conversation has ended. Fierce conversation will often leave us with points to ponder and emotions to sort out. It can often help the ongoing dialogue move forward if you schedule a follow up conversation.

Make room for silence.

Fierce conversations make room for silence. The more emotionally loaded the issue, the more important silence becomes. Silence enables us each to reflect on our thoughts and achieve new levels of insight and integration. Silence can often be the turning point in a conversation. It also creates space for everyone in the room to offer their opinion.

Silence is an under-utilized tool. It often makes us feel uncomfortable. Many of us unconsciously think we have to fill silences and that something is wrong if no one is talking.

The following are indications that silence might move the conversation forward:
• If you find yourself interrupting by talking over someone else.
• Thinking of what you’re going to say when someone is talking.
• Knee jerk reactions where you respond with out thinking first.
• When you find yourself “demonstrating your expertise” because you feel insecure.
• Offering advice before the other person has had a chance to fully explain the situation.
• When you’re doing most of the talking.
• When you create a distraction by changing topics.
• Saying the same thing over and over again.

When used incorrectly, silence can be dangerous too. Silence can be passive aggressive or result in disengaging from the conversation. It can be used to avoid topics that are uncomfortable or ones we’d rather not look at. If you question whether or not silence is productive, take a look at your feelings and motives. If you find yourself pulling away or observe your companion pulling away, say so and get the conversation back on track.

Although there are at least two people in a conversation, it only takes one person who chooses to actively listen and make room for silence to have a fierce conversation. This opportunity works in your favor because YOU can be that person. In the coming weeks, try something different, stay present, listen closely, ask questions and make room for silence. You will be amazed at the outcome.

Take Charge of Your Emotional Wake

In my years of coaching, I've worked with a variety of leaders who were known for delivering results consistently on time and on budget. Along with their reputation for delivery came the reputation of driver, pace setter, or taskmaster. Most were proud of this reputation and believed they were doing "what they were paid to do." However, in their drive to deliver results, they often left more than a few people battered and bruised along the way. They didn't realize that over time, feelings of intimidation among the troops would build up to the point of creating barriers to progress. These leaders were unknowingly creating a negative emotional wake.

Often in heated or charged conversations we are so focused on what we want to say and how we feel that we don't pay attention to the impact our words, tone and body language have on other people. How do people feel when you leave? Are they fired up and motivated or are they depressed and defeated? Do they feel listened to, valued and trusted? Or do they feel mowed over, dispensable and micro-managed?

The feelings you leave people with after a conversation constitute your emotional wake. It determines how people feel about you, what they think of you and what they tell others about you. It also profoundly affects the culture of your team and larger organization.

One of the goals of a fierce conversation is to leave a positive emotional wake where both parties walk away with a deeper understanding and commitment.
If people have to spend their time licking wounds and dressing bruises, the only understanding they'll have is that you are someone to be avoided and defended against.

For a leader, whether official or unofficial, there is no trivial comment. An off-handed comment you don't even remember saying can have a devastating impact on someone looking to you for guidance and approval. At the same time, something you said months or years ago may have encouraged and inspired someone who is grateful to you to this day.

A negative emotional wake is not just created by what you say; it can also be created by what you don't say. Not telling people that you appreciate the work they have done or what they mean to you will leave the impression that you don't value them and their efforts. When people don't feel appreciated a culture of indifference and apathy begins to take root. Everybody (including you) needs to feel valued and know that their efforts are appreciated.

Tips for Understanding Your Emotional Wake

There are times in the work place and in our personal lives when we need to bring up controversial or potentially upsetting issues. In order to leave a positive wake and reduce the chance of an inaccurate spin being attached to what you say, learn to deliver the message without the "load." The "load" is a negative charge. You can deliver a negative load in several ways. If you are engaging in any of the following behaviors, there's a good chance you are leaving a negative emotional wake:
• Blaming
• Name calling, labeling
• Using sarcasm
• Exaggerating
• Giving unsolicited advice
• Pointing to someone else's failure to communicate
• Assuming a position of superiority
• Character assassination
• Making blatantly negative facial expressions
• Being unresponsive, refusing to speak

At times it can be tough to gauge our emotional wake especially if we are scared or confused on some level ourselves. The following is a list of clues that are warnings you might be leaving a negative emotional wake:
• You feel like you aren't connecting with your people. You're talking and they're nodding their heads but that doesn't seem to translate into action.
• You stop receiving confirming or positive feedback from those with whom you are communicating.
• You notice that others are displaying closed body language around you.
• You begin to feel like your people are expending extra energy on gaining your approval or the approval of others.
• You feel like people are not taking their own initiative.

Leadership is not always pretty. There are times when we have to tell people things they don't want to hear. The tricky part is that different people need different things and receive information in different ways. You can profoundly impact the way your message is received with some planning and forethought. Start by thinking about your audience and how they are most likely to receive the information. What are they worried about? How can you mitigate their concerns? How can you present your message so it doesn't come across as blaming or an attempt to make them feel guilty?

If you are uncertain about how your message is coming across, test it out on a trusted colleague first. Then after you've given your message, ask for feedback. Ask trusted co-workers how it came across and how they thought you were trying to make people feel.

The Paradox of Authenticity

People can tell when you aren't saying what you really think. When people sense that your words and actions are not congruent with your feelings, they will discount your message. This is why another important aspect of fierce conversations is authenticity. To a large degree authenticity is defined by what others see in you. If authenticity were purely an innate quality, you couldn't do much to impact it. Fortunately there are things you can do to manage the perception of authenticity.

Most people think of authenticity as being straightforward, "telling it like it is" and being sincere. I wouldn't exactly say that's an inaccurate definition; it just doesn't tell the whole story. People who assume they are being authentic when they express their thoughts and opinions in an uncontrolled manner inevitably wind up leaving a negative emotional wake.

One of the reasons I hear for not considering how a message is delivered from hard-charging executives is, "This is who I am and they just have to accept me the way I am." I don't mean to imply that you have to be "nice" all the time but part of becoming a better leader means having good boundaries and knowing when to be tough while still delivering your message offectively.

Authenticity is not the product of pure manipulation. It accurately reflects aspects of the leader's inner self, so it can't be an act. But great leaders seem to know which personality traits they should reveal to whom and when. The paradox of authenticity is that you have to be able to adjust and adapt what you say and you have to do it in a way that is congruent with who you are. The challenge is to find a balance between being true to yourself and the exercise of leadership.

Managing the Perception

Establishing your authenticity as a leader is a two-part challenge. The first is to ensure that your words are consistent with your deeds. A great leader constantly strives to "walk the walk." The second is finding common ground with the people you are trying to influence.

Leaders need to possess self-knowledge, but great leaders have to be able to recognize which aspects of their authentic selves particular groups are looking for and have the willingness and ability to share it with others. By authentically sharing and listening in a way that creates common ground, you can positively impact the emotional wake you leave.

Conclusion

We've covered a lot of ground in these articles on fierce conversations: from ground truth to mineral rights, to the power of listening and silence, to managing your emotional wake and authenticity. All of these topics are crucial skills for people who want to be great leaders and create a fulfilling and successful organization. The hard part is knowing how to "get from here to there."

Most people develop these skills through trial and error over the course of several years. In the current economic environment, many businesses don't have the luxury of this rather inefficient method; that's where coaching comes in. Coaching works with the individual, the team and the larger organization to help each person build their own awareness, build their repertoire of communication skills, enable them to better read others, tune into feedback and consciously decide what to do with it. Through the coaching process, skills that would have taken a career to develop can be learned in months.

Tim Link is an executive coach and management consultant with a record of successfully guiding leaders and organizations from small business through Fortune 50 to increased employee productivity and satisfaction. Link Resource Group provides customized business coaching, consulting and leadership training programs, both large and small. By working with Link Resource Group, executives, managers, teams and business owners raise their level of interpersonal and technical competency, see and surpass obstacles, and adopt a more focused, strategic approach to being effective.