Resolving Conflict Without Punching Someone Out

People who never experience conflict on the job are either living in a dream world, blind to their surroundings, or in solitary confinement!

Because whenever two or three are gathered in any community for any reason at any time, there will inevitably be some form or degree of dissention, difficulty, or difference of opinion.

Conflicts just happen. They can result from excellent work or poor work, from good intentions or evil intentions, from appropriate behavior or inappropriate behavior. Because people come from such divergent experiences and backgrounds, think and reason so differently from one another, and communicate so uniquely, conflicts are not only possible but highly probable. When the inevitable conflict surfaces, we need to deal with it so that it doesn't drain our energy, infect our whole life, and sabotage our effectiveness.

Step 1: Handling the Problem

Deal with conflict promptly. Regardless of the size or scope of the problem, the first step in conflict management is simply to deal with it. Certainly the most extensive and pressing confrontations cry loudest for our attention, but many a mountain is merely the consequence of a molehill left unattended. They all must be dealt with.

Remember two key concepts here: sensitivity and willingness to resolve the situation. Those who have their eyes, ears, and minds open will see what others don't* or won't. Having a good sense of your surroundings and associates is the best way to recognize when and how conflicts arise.

A willingness to act intelligently and decisively is equally important. While many are content to watch, wait, and wonder, effective professionals get involved. They solve problems rather than let them simmer.

Determine the nature of the conflict. For the most part, conflicts can be divided into five categories. Identify them correctly and you heal the wound. Misdiagnose them and you allow the disease to spread.

Conflicts over personalities may occur because John is an introverted accountant from New York, Jane is an extroverted publicist from LA, and Sara is a sometimes introverted, sometimes extroverted office manager from Dallas. Even those with similar backgrounds and experiences have conflicts because of personal habits and idiosyncrasies.

Conflicts over goals occur when dedicated and driven professionals pursuing certain objectives run headlong into other dedicated and driven professionals pursuing other objectives.

Conflicts over values are the most difficult to resolve. The difference between attitudes and values is generally time. Values have taken root in a person's life and spread with vigor.

Conflicts over circumstances occur when, for example, two employees want to take vacation the same week and both can't be gone at the same time without serious workflow problems.

Conflicts over facts involve differences in sources, authorities, and definitions. Determine the method of solving. Once you've categorized the kind of conflict staring you in the face, you'll have a clear understanding about the effort involved in resolving it and the potential for a successful resolution. Some will be quick; some will be never-ending. Plan your future actions and reactions accordingly.

Accommodation is used when you yield to the other person's plans. This is a good strategy when the issue is important to them and relatively unimportant to you, when you cannot win or are wrong, when you want to bank a favor for later, or when harmony is more important than the issue.

Compromise is the process of melding both party's desires into an equally agreeable alternative. Use this method when the issue is important to both of you but not worth fighting to the bitter end, when the situation is temporary and will lead to a quick fix, or when you don't have time to haggle but need to meet some of your goals.

Overpowering the other person to get your way is another option. Though sometimes seen as aggressive and domineering, this strategy can be effective and appropriate. This strategy is best used when the situation is an emergency and you have to act quickly. You may have to play the part of statesman and enforce unpopular principles or take unpopular actions for a higher good or goal.

Collaboration* joining forces with the other and working things out* is a final strategy. Make the effort and take the time to collaborate when the relationship is long-term and the situation will be recurring, when both goals are too important to compromise, or when you need buy-in from both people on the outcome.

Creating a culture of conflict awareness and resolution is essential to effective business communications and productivity. Knowing how to identify and solve problems will determine whether you're an effective manager of inevitable conflict or one who leaves behind a trail of muddled opportunities and broken relationship.

Step 2: Handling People

Establish the relationship rule. Manager Melissa says to her counterpart in the next department, "Would you make sure these printouts get stapled together properly before they come to us for processing?" Manager Kevin snaps back, "No, I don't see that that's necessary. Our people don't have any more time than yours to collate and staple."

This is not a conflict about printouts; it's a conflict over relationships. The real issue is Melissa's authority over Kevin and how their roles overlap. Until they both agree on the rules and boundaries of their relationship-what can be expected, what is an imposition, what should be a request, and what can be demanded-they will continue to clash on various issues.

Misunderstandings, delays, inconveniences, and tiffs are often symptoms of underlying relationship issues. Identify the moods of the messengers. Tone and inflection in the English language can be subtle, yet pack a walloping difference. Take these examples: "What proof do you have?" can be a straightforward request for more explanation or a challenge. "I don't know what you're talking about" can mean "That's nonsense" or "I'm puzzled." "Earlier you said X ...; now you're saying Y" can mean "I think you're lying" or can mean "I'm confused; please sort out the seeming contradiction."

Instead of sorting out the problem by starting with the words, start with the attitudes, gauge them by the words, and then determine the meaning of the message. By first identifying the moods behind the messages and then responding to the message, you can save yourself much confusion.

Determine what happened, what you have concluded about what happened, and what you feel about what happened. Sooner or later, you have to get down to the details of the conflict and determine what happened.

If people start inundating you with facts, ask them to interpret those facts. What conclusions have they come to from those facts? If people start giving you random opinions, ask on what facts they are basing those opinions. If people have difficulty articulating the facts and opinions, ask them for feelings. How do they feel about what has happened or about the situation? When people express strong feelings, paraphrase those feelings to them to verify that you have understood. Then ask them for the events or facts underlying those feelings.

The idea is to help yourself and others distinguish between what actually happened, what they have concluded about what happened, and what they feel about what happened. In the process, you'll often uncover hidden, invalid assumptions, wrong interpretations, and inaccurate information. You'll get closer and closer to seeing what needs to be changed or corrected.

Create alternatives. The secret to conflict resolution is creativity and knowing that the conflict is only successfully resolved when both sides realize some degree of victory. Define together what success will look like to all the people involved. Then work backward. Can we change the deadline? Can we get more help? Can we expand or cut the budget? Can we change the specifications?

Try brainstorming and coming up with as many ideas as fast as possible. No evaluation or questioning the ideas for clarification. After you've generated several ideas, go back and reevaluate them one by one. Cross off the ones that don't meet your criteria and prioritize those left. Start with the alternative that looks the most promising and work your way down the list.

Conflict can be a burdensome sparring match leading to continued friction and even loss of friendship and business. Or it can be a means to identify and resolve problems while building strong working relationships. You decide.

Most problems, regardless of size, extent, or detail, can be identified, scrutinized, and analyzed with relative certainty. Human beings aren't so easily managed. Even seemingly insignificant areas of conflict, once exposed to the passions and eccentricities of humanity, can leave you pulling your hair out and shaking your head.

Whether your business is real estate, computers, Cadillacs, or corn dogs; whether you purchase, promote, or produce; and whether you're at the top of the corporate ladder or closer to the bottom rung, a large part of your success depends on how you deal with people-especially when it comes to conflict. Dealing effectively with the people behind the problems you face will not only give you greater insight into your business but also allow you to understand more fully those with whom you do business.

Author Information
Dianna Booher
Dianna Booher, CPS, is CEO of Booher Consultants, a Dallas-based communications consulting firm that offers training in effective writing, oral presentations, interpersonal skills, and customer service communications. She is a keynote speaker and has written over 37 books, including Communicate with Confidence! [McGraw-Hill]. To bring Dianna’s expertise to your group, contact the FrogPond at 800.704.FROG(3764) or email susie@FrogPond.com

Copyright (Reprint Terms)
Copyright 2002, Dianna Booher. All right reserved. For information contact FrogPond at 800.704.FROG(3764) or email susie@FrogPond.com.